Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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