the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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