I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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