I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
