and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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