So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
