so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
This house was built for laser tag.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Shame - the story of my life.
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