im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
