Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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