dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
