Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
