Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
