he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
