This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
