Will you blow on my dice?
Porn is love you can see.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
