I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
