the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
