I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
