Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
