I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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