In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
did i just pee glitter
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
