On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
