Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
