his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Someone signed my nipple.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
