i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
