Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
