now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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