I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
