She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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