i need an iv and a liver transplant
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
