my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
