i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
