come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
