dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
