and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
