The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
