im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just high enough for therapy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
