are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
