in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
