Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize