The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
