Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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