You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
