when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
