So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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