I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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