dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
