remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
