I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
