White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
