Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
