The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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