i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
