we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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