I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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