I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
